Words

I think I am making progress for my own issues of self-esteem and self-worth.   I still feel inadequate in so many ways.

Does a person ever outgrow the need for approval? Why do we need it so badly?  Why do I want to think that I am valued by others?

I think we all deeply want to be loved.  I know I am loved.

I have struggled with my own issues of feeling like I fit in.  Like I am worthy.   I have three sisters who are all slim.   One is slim, but eats normally, (healthy with just a few treats here and there) and exercises (runs, bikes, etc.)   I admire her for that dedication.  My other two sisters are also very slim.   One does not exercise much, enjoys her life and tells me that she just lives her life the way she wants and will be ok if people can't accept that.   The youngest one is very thin, is not healthy and does most everything, like exercise to excess.  I will not judge any of them for their choices in how they lead their lives.   I love them all.   I envy that they are thin.     My mother is small, and thin as well.   She eats like a bird.   :-)   I have to make my own choices, and my choices are going to have to be to become the healthiest and best I can be, but not by extreme measures.  I have to set goals, enjoy my life, and just accept myself.

I remember one time, even though at the time I was not the size I am now, my grandma asked me (when I didn't want gravy)..."A big girl like you doesn't like gravy?"  I am sure that she didn't mean anything bad, but it hurt.  I wasn't "big" then.   But, I wasn't the tiny one either...and in reality, I will never be the "tiny" one.

I can only hope that I can be healthy.  Happy.   Honest.   Content.

I feel I am reaching that point.

I have moments that I get down and crawl inside.   I probably always will.  But they are getting fewer and farther between.   I have some great support in Tawny, who will listen, and even cry with me if I need her to.   She is just who I needed in my life.

I have some true friends who support me and love me the way I am.   I have children who love me, grandchildren that light up my life, and a husband who has accepted me through this all.

I will never use the words "heavy" or "larger" or "chunky" or  any of those words people use to disguise calling someone fat.   No one knows the struggles of others.   No person should judge...don't look at someone eating a candy bar and even think "wow, they don't need that".   Who are we to make those choices for others.  Yes, I would want everyone to live long and healthy lives, and would support them and help them in any way I could.

But no judgment.

No words.